Being present...

In the last few weeks I have been helping my aunt, who has advanced cancer, and her family. While the experience is fresh in my mind, I want to offer a little advice in case you find yourself in a similar situation. Maybe this will be a comfort and something that you can wrap your mind around. How to help: 1) Observe. You have to be present, to see, to listen, to look around at the environment, before you will be able to know what needs to be done. 2) Act without drama. This is a time for pragmatic, quiet action. If you find your ego getting in the way, one tactic is to identify with the action that is needed. Be the laundry. It doesn't need any praise for sitting in the basket, or tumbling around in the dryer. You don't actually need praise to do it. Let it be just as it is. 3) Be determined. Every step. Every sip. Every bite. Each is a small victory to be celebrated. If a bite is rejected.... come back in five minutes with another spoonful. 4) Take care of yourself. You need to eat, sleep, and have a few quiet minutes to yourself. 5) Establish restorative rituals. Have a little sit with a cup of uncaffeinated tea at the end of the day before bed. Let go of the day's activities and frustrations before you sleep. 6) Connect with those around you. It can feel like you are on an emotional trampoline with other people jumping and sending you this way and that. If you all hold hands and bounce in unison, at least you won't go flying off in all directions. Think of the leverage of Cirque de Soleil, rather than the random bounces of ping pong balls. Connection provides combined strength which will be steadying for everyone. 7) Remove yourself when you need to. If you are feeling frustrated, depressed, overwhelmed or otherwise impaired from being useful... that's a good time to go out to run errands, take a nap, or to get away long enough to regain your equilibrium. Let someone else be in the lead for a while. 8) Find the fun. Watch movies together. Read. Talk about shared life experiences. Listen to music. Offer a relaxing hand or foot massage. Watch nature -- the weather, birds, snow. 9) Find the funny. Even in the darkest days, there are reasons to smile and laugh at the odd turns that life takes. This may not be a good time for "knock knock" jokes... but laughter is still good medicine too. 10) Be kind. Everyone is under unusual stresses and people may say or do things that don't work or come out all wrong, even with the best of intentions. Let go of small slights and mistakes and hold onto tightly to the love. Love is ultimately what will carry you through. It may sound cliché, but it is tried and true. Copyright @ 2007, Catherine E. White, all rights reserved.